The Friendship Conversation I Didn't Know I Needed - Joel Steadman

I've known Joel for almost 20 years.

Let that sink in for a second. Two decades. We met when he hired me for a job, and somehow, through company changes, career moves, busy seasons, and all of life's chaos, we've stayed friends.

But here's the thing that hit me during our recent conversation: In 20 years, Joel and I have probably only spent about 30 maybe 40 hours together outside of work. Maybe less.

When I realized this, it stopped me cold.

How is it possible to have such a deep, meaningful friendship with someone you've barely spent any "official" time with? And yet, when Joel and I sit down for lunch at our usual spot (Strap Tank in Lehi, if you're curious), it's like no time has passed at all. We pick up mid-conversation from months ago. There's no awkwardness. No guilt. No "sorry I haven't called."

Just two friends who get it.

THE GRACE FACTOR

Joel said something in our conversation that I can't stop thinking about: "Grace is everything in friendship."

He's right.

Without hesitation, Joel listed me among the handful of people he considers true, deep friends. But then he said something that made me realize why our friendship works: "I wouldn't have any friends if they didn't give me grace."

This man is honest to a fault. He'll be the first to tell you he's terrible at returning phone calls. Life gets busy - he's got family, work, responsibilities piling up. Sometimes months go by and we don't connect.

But here's the thing: I don't hold it against him. And he doesn't hold my own chaos against me.

That's grace.

Grace is understanding that your friend's silence doesn't mean they don't care. It means they're human. It means they're surviving their own season. It means that when they do reach out - or when you do - there's no resentment waiting on the other end.

Just connection.

THE 200-HOUR PROBLEM

During our conversation, we talked about Mel Robbins' concept from her book "The Let Them Theory" - this idea that it takes about 200 hours of time together to build a deep, lasting friendship.

As kids? That's one summer. You spend three months playing outside with the neighborhood kids and boom - best friends for life.

As adults? Nearly impossible.

Think about it. Between work, family, personal responsibilities, and just trying to keep your head above water, when do you have 200 hours to invest in a friendship? Joel and I have been friends for 20 years and we're not even there yet.

This realization was both depressing and liberating.

Depressing because it explains why adult friendships feel so hard. We're trying to build something that requires massive time investment while operating with zero margin in our lives.

But liberating because it made me realize: maybe we've been measuring friendship wrong.

WHAT ACTUALLY BONDS PEOPLE

Joel had an insight that changed my whole perspective on this. He said that while 200 hours might be the standard, going through hard things together exponentially speeds up that timeline.

Think about the friends you'd call in a real crisis. The ones who'd drop everything if you really needed them. Chances are, you've either been through something hard together, or they've seen you at your absolute worst and stuck around anyway.

Joel and I have been through some legitimately difficult situations together. Professional challenges. Personal struggles. The kind of stuff that either breaks a relationship or forges it stronger.

Those crisis moments - they're worth more than 100 lunch meetings. They're the accelerant in the friendship equation.

WHEN SOMEONE COMES TO MIND

About three weeks ago, someone's name popped into my head in the middle of the day. I can't even tell you why. I was probably driving or doing something completely unrelated, and this person just came to mind.

I pulled over and sent them a text: "Hey, just thinking about you. How are you doing?"

They called me immediately.

"Did you really just text me to ask how I'm doing?" they said. "Just to say hi?"

"Yeah," I replied, a little confused by their reaction.

"No one does that anymore, Mark."

We ended up talking for over an hour. Turns out, they were going through something really difficult and had been feeling completely alone in it. That one text - that split-second decision to not ignore the prompting to reach out - it mattered.

Joel and I talked about this in our episode. How many times does someone come to your mind, and you think, "I should reach out," but then you don't? You tell yourself they're probably busy. Or you'll do it later. Or it's been too long and it'd be weird.

Stop doing that.

If someone comes to your mind, that's your sign. Send the text. Make the call. Don't overthink it.

Your friend who seems fine? They might not be fine. The person you haven't talked to in months? They might be thinking about you too. That "random" prompting to reach out? It's probably not random at all.

THE INTROVERT CHALLENGE

Here's something we touched on that I think a lot of people don't talk about enough: different people have different capacity for social interaction.

I'm fairly introverted. Always have been. Victoria (my wife) knows that at parties, I'll eventually just disappear. She'll find me taking a breather, recharging so I can go back in.

Joel's the same way. We both need space. We both need recovery time after social interaction.

And you know what? Good friends understand that.

They don't take it personally when you need to step away. They don't guilt you for being "antisocial." They get that your brain is just wired differently, and they give you space to be who you are.

This is another form of grace, and it's huge.

If you want friendships that last, you have to accept people as they are. Not as you wish they'd be. Not as some idealized version of friendship you saw in a movie. As they actually are - introverted, extroverted, busy, available, whatever.

WHAT TO DO TODAY

At the end of every KneeToKnee episode, I ask my guests: "What's one thing someone can do today to build deeper connections?"

Joel's answer was simple and profound: Think of one friendship that's slipped away. Someone you've been meaning to reach out to. Someone you had a falling out with. Someone life just pulled you away from.

Offer them grace.

Wipe away any resentment. Forget about who didn't call who back. Stop keeping score.

And reach out.

Tell them you love them. Tell them you've been thinking about them. Tell them you miss them.

Because here's what Joel said that absolutely wrecked me: "A lot of people we think are fine are not fine. They're struggling. And that text could make a massive difference in their lives."

He's right.

I'll add my own action step to Joel's: When someone comes to your mind, don't ignore it. Send the text. Right then. Don't wait. Don't talk yourself out of it. Just send it.

"Hey, you came to mind. Just wanted to say hi and see how you're doing."

That's it. Seven seconds to type. Could change someone's entire day.

Could save a friendship you thought was lost.

Could be exactly what they needed to hear right when they needed to hear it.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Twenty years of friendship with Joel has taught me that the best relationships aren't built on perfect communication or equal effort or never missing a call.

They're built on grace.

Grace for the mess. Grace for the busy seasons. Grace for the times when life pulls us in different directions. Grace to pick up right where we left off, whether it's been a week or a year.

And underneath all of that grace is something even more fundamental: the absolute certainty that if I really needed Joel, he'd be there. And he knows I'd do the same for him.

That's friendship.

Not the Instagram version. Not the perfectly curated highlight reel. The real, messy, imperfect, grace-filled version that actually sustains you through life's hardest moments.

So here's my challenge to you: Stop waiting. Stop overthinking. Stop believing the lie that adult friendship is supposed to be easy or require less effort.

It's hard. It requires grace. It requires intentionality. It requires showing up, even imperfectly.

But it's worth it.

Your people need you. You need them. Don't let another week go by without letting them know they matter.

Send the text. Make the call. Offer the grace.

Do it today.

Watch my full conversation with Joel here, and let us know in the comments: Who's the friend you're going to reach out to after reading this?

https://youtu.be/xhDE6t1p7e8

- Mark