What Darren Parry Taught Me About Being a Chief

I've been doing this podcast long enough to know when a conversation is going to stay with me. Darren Parry was one of those.

Darren is the former chairman of the Northwestern Band of the Shoshone Nation. He's an educator at Utah State University, an author, and the man who finished a book his grandmother started before she passed. That book tells the story of the Bear River Massacre, the largest massacre of Native Americans in U.S. history, which happened on January 29, 1863, right here in northern Utah. More than 450 Shoshone people, mostly women and children, were killed that morning. Most people have never heard of it.

Darren has made it his life's work to make sure that changes.

The Responsibility He Didn't Choose

The thing that struck me first about Darren was how he talked about carrying the story forward. He never called it a burden. He called it a responsibility. His grandmother was the tribal historian. She told him once when he was young: Darren, no one has ever wanted to hear our story before. One day you will need to make them listen.

When she passed before finishing the book, Darren picked it up and carried it home. Now he teaches. Speaks. Shows up. Not for status. Not for recognition. For the story.

I think a lot about what it means to carry something bigger than yourself. That's what we talk about on this show. Sitting across from a man who has literally done that, in the most real sense, was humbling.

The Circle of Responsibility

One of the things Darren said that I keep turning over is this: in indigenous culture, men didn't derive their identity from status. They knew who they were because of where they came from and what they were responsible for.

He described it as a circle of responsibility, not a hierarchy. Not a ladder where power flows down. A circle where everyone has a role, everyone contributes, and the measure of a man is how much he serves the people around him.

That's a different operating system than the one most of us are running. We're socialized to project competence, accumulate status, and climb. Darren is describing something older and, honestly, more durable. The man who takes care of his family, his community, and the land he stewards. Not because someone told him to, but because he was raised to understand that's the point.

The Library That Burns

Somewhere in the middle of the conversation, Darren mentioned something his grandmother used to say: when an old Indian dies, a library burns.

He's older now and he's extended it. When any old person dies, a library burns.

That landed hard. I've got four brothers and a couple years ago one of them set up a monthly family Zoom call, first Sunday of the month, 5 PM Mountain Time. No agenda. Just asking mom and dad to tell us stories. And we record it. I'm in my late 50s. I'm still learning things I never knew. Those calls have become something I look forward to.

Darren's point is that we've broken the intergenerational chain. The elders in your life, your parents, your grandparents, the old man at the end of your street, they are holding knowledge that disappears the day they do. Start listening now.

Go Be a Chief

His closing answer was one of the best moments we've had on KneeToKnee.

When I asked him what one thing our listeners could do today to build deeper connections, he told me a story about his grandmother's eagle headdress. As a kid, he knew only chiefs wore those. So one day he told her he wanted to be a chief. She sat him down and explained how it worked.

When a young Shoshone boy or girl did an act of kindness or service, the chief would give them an eagle feather. Keep doing it, keep collecting feathers. When it was time for the chief to pass to the next world, he'd call the tribe together and ask everyone to show their feathers. The next chief wasn't the toughest or the bravest or the strongest. The chief was the man or woman who had led a life of service and kindness in their community.

She told Darren: go be a good sibling, be a good friend, be there for somebody who truly needs it. Do that, and you'll become a leader. Not one rooted in power and authority, but in love, kindness, and wisdom.

Darren looked right at me and said, isn't that the kind of leaders the world needs today?

Yeah. It is.

The One Thing

Go serve. Find one person this week who needs something. Show up for them. Collect a feather.

And if you haven't called an elder in your life recently, do that too. Before the library burns.

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https://youtu.be/BegClWJoS-w