More Known, Less Alone: A Gentle Connection Plan for Introverts
- Mark
- Dec 18, 2025
- 7 min read
Introverts are often told, “Just put yourself out there,” as if forcing more small talk in louder rooms is the answer. Yet many already are showing up—to barbecues, church, school events—and still end up near the food table, in the kitchen, or on the couch scrolling a phone while everyone else seems to know exactly what to say. This isn’t a lack of desire for connection; it is usually a mix of anxiety, self‑protection, and a nervous system that has learned people can be risky.
This post grows out of a KneeToKnee episode created for that exact person—the introvert or “wallflower” who wants deeper friendships without pretending to be extroverted. It brings together insights from psychologist Carl Jung’s view of introversion, modern research on social connection, and practical ideas from previous guests like Logan Wilkes, Dr. Bobbi Wagner, and therapist Doug Nielsen, all woven into a gentle four‑week experiment.
What Introversion Really Is
Carl Jung first described introversion and extroversion as different ways people direct psychic energy: introverts turn inward, extroverts outward. Today, psychology makes a crucial distinction: introversion is not the same thing as shyness.
Introverts often prefer lower‑stimulus environments, need more recovery time after social events, and think deeply before they speak.
Shyness is more about fear of judgment; an introvert can be socially skilled and confident yet still refuel best alone.
Research highlighted in the episode shows a second, surprising truth: introverts need social connection just as much as extroverts—and may actually struggle more when disconnected. When introverts are cut off from their networks, they have worse outcomes than extroverts in similar situations, while having just one or two close friends is strongly tied to higher happiness compared to having none. The need for real, supportive relationships is not smaller for introverts; if anything, it might be greater.
Why Connection Feels Harder Than It Looks
Many people don’t struggle with wanting connection—they struggle with how to do it without feeling awkward, needy, or fake. Logan Wilkes, a previous guest, talks about “wallflowers” at networking events: they show up physically but stay in their seats, hoping others make the first move.
That pattern shows up in everyday life too:
At neighborhood gatherings, you drift toward the food table instead of people.
At family events, you stay busy in the kitchen instead of joining conversations.
At church or community groups, you arrive right on time and leave right after to skip small talk.
Psychologist Dr. Bobbi Wagner explains one big reason this happens: the brain treats social threat—rejection, criticism, embarrassment—like physical danger. If your body has learned that opening up leads to being ignored, judged, or abandoned, it makes sense that your nervous system keeps you quiet and on the edge. That doesn’t mean you are broken; it means your system is doing its protective job extremely well.
The work now is not to bully yourself into being outgoing. It is to gently teach your body that there are people and places where it is safe to be known.
Two Inner Questions That Change Everything
Before jumping into any “how‑to,” therapist Doug Nielsen suggests two inner questions, especially for introverts. These questions are like a compass; they turn random social challenges into meaningful experiments.
Why do I want this?
On the surface, goals like “I should get out more” or “I should meet more people” sound fine. But “shoulds” rarely sustain courage. Doug recommends getting honest and specific about your real why in this season:
“I’m tired of feeling alone in my own house.”
“I want at least one friend I can be honest with.”
“I don’t want my emotional world to depend on just one person.”
Naming your why gives meaning to the effort. Suddenly, starting a conversation isn’t about being impressive; it’s about building the kind of life you actually want.
Am I willing to feel discomfort on purpose?
Discomfort in social settings often looks like a tight chest, flushed face, awkward silence, or a desire to escape. Doug reframes this: at its core, discomfort is an emotion moving through your body, not an emergency. The question becomes:
“Am I willing to feel this and support myself through it in service of my goal?”
“Can I let that tension rise and fall without immediately escaping?”
Once you can say—even tentatively—“Yes, I want connection, and yes, I’m willing to feel some discomfort for it,” the practical steps stop feeling like random dares. They become aligned with your deeper why.
Small Steps for Everyday Wallflowers
Using ideas from Logan Wilkes’ networking work, the episode adapts his strategies from business events into normal life for introverts.
1. Start Where You Already Feel Yourself
Logan’s first principle is simple: go where you are already passionate and comfortable. In real life, that might mean:
If you like running, join a running group.
If you love golf, join a small golf group.
If big parties drain you, choose a board‑game night over a loud bar.
If you enjoy reading or music, look for a book club, choir, or small crafting group.
You are not trying to be interesting from scratch; the activity itself gives you something to talk about. When you talk about what you genuinely care about, you connect more easily and your nervous system stays calmer.
2. Borrow an “Inside Person”
Logan also recommends having an advocate in the room—someone who can say, “You need to meet my friend.” In a personal setting, that might look like:
Going to a gathering with a friend you already trust and asking them ahead of time: “If you see someone you think I’d click with, would you introduce us?”
Joining a small group through someone you know from church, work, or your neighborhood instead of walking in alone.
That friend becomes a secure base, a relationship anchor that makes it feel safer to explore new people.
3. Set Tiny Goals—and Then Be Done
When Logan moved to a new city where he knew no one, he forced himself to attend events he didn’t want to go to. His trick: give each event one small, clear goal and leave once it was done.
Examples adapted for your life:
At a church activity: “One real conversation with someone I don’t know well.”
At a neighborhood picnic: “Learn one real thing about three people beyond ‘So what do you do?’”
After you hit the goal, you are allowed to leave with zero guilt. This matters because your body learns through repetition. Small successful contacts repeated over time teach your nervous system, “I can handle this. Nothing terrible is happening.”
Psychological Safety: The Missing Ingredient
Logan’s ideas help you find more conversations; Dr. Bobbi's work explains why some of those conversations feel nourishing while others leave you lonelier.
In personal relationships, psychological safety looks like this:
You can share something a little vulnerable without being mocked or dismissed.
You can say no or set a boundary and the relationship still holds.
You can admit a struggle and the other person leans in instead of shutting down.
In groups with high safety and belonging, people become more open, direct, and willing to take emotional risks—just as much around the kitchen table as in a meeting room.
You can nudge your relationships toward more safety by:
Asking grounding questions instead of staying on the surface.
“What’s a highlight and lowlight of your week?”
“What’s something that’s been on your mind lately?”
Responding to small risks with curiosity and care instead of jokes or quick advice. (The host even admits this is hard because of a natural pull toward sarcasm.)
Checking in with your own body: if you feel yourself shutting down, it might be a sign this place isn’t fully safe yet. That’s information, not failure.
Over time, the goal is to have a few relationships where you can bring your whole self—the excited parts, the tired parts, and the scared parts.
The “More Known, Less Alone” Four‑Week Experiment
The episode offers a gentle, four‑week experiment designed for real life, not social media heroics.
Week 1: Choose One Circle
Pick one setting you are already part of—a class, faith community group, hobby meetup, or neighborhood game night.
Your only job: show up and stay for the full time.
There is no pressure to be “on.”
Just notice who feels easy to be around.
This week is about exposure without performance.
Week 2: Two Real Conversations
The next time you go to that same circle, set a tiny goal: have two real conversations.
Use one simple question that invites honest talk, such as:
“What’s been the best part—or the hardest part—of your month so far?”
“What do you wish people asked about you more?”
You are not prying; you’re opening a doorway. Also answer the same question yourself, which helps build mutual trust.
Week 3: Share One True Thing
This week, practice naming one small, true thing about yourself that you usually keep inside.
Examples:
“I always feel awkward at these things, but I’m glad I came.”
“I’ve been trying to make more local friends, honestly.”
“This hobby has been a big mental health helper for me.”
These micro‑shares give others more of the real you to connect with. That’s how safety and depth grow.
Week 4: Follow Up One Person
Identify one person in that circle you’d like to know better and follow up.
You might send a short message like:
“I enjoyed talking with you the other night. Want to grab a coffee or a soda or go for a walk sometime?”
If it’s family: “I’ve realized I miss hearing more about your life. Could we do a call or sit down one evening this week and catch up?”
This is the moment where the wallflower steps off the wall—not with a grand gesture, but with one simple follow‑up.
From Wallflower to Known
The episode ends with a reminder from Logan’s earlier conversation: no one ever did it alone. People bring peace of mind, opportunities, and healing; people are the key. Dr. Bobbi adds that it is the right kind of people—the ones with whom you feel safe enough to be honest—that truly change your health and your life.
Research on introversion closes the loop: even if you refuel alone, your well‑being still depends on having a small circle of people with whom you can be fully yourself. Before trying any of the practical steps, the host returns to Doug’s two questions:
Why do you want to do this—not “I should be more social,” but your real why like “I don’t want to feel this alone” or “I want one or two people who really know me”?
Are you willing to feel discomfort for that why, remembering that awkwardness and a tight chest are emotions moving through your body, not proof you’re doing it wrong?
If you can answer those questions with even a tentative yes, you are already moving from wallflower to known. Then the challenge becomes beautifully simple: this week, pick one person you already know—a neighbor, sibling, fellow parent, church member, or acquaintance—and send a short, genuine note: “I realized I really enjoy talking with you and I’d love to get to know you better. Want to grab a coffee, soda, or a walk this week or next?”
It might feel small, but almost every deep personal connection starts exactly that way: one person notices, and then makes a move.
Comments