Unlocking Connection and Value: Insights from Coach Kim Giles on Facing Fear

Mark
Oct 25, 2025
3 min read

Updated: Nov 6, 2025

In the latest episode of the KneeToKnee podcast, host Mark Marrott sat down with master life coach Kim Giles - founder of the 12 Shapes Relationship System to unpack what drives human connection, conflict, and healing.

Coach Kim, named one of Good Morning America’s Top 20 Advice Gurus, has written over 500 articles and published several books. She has spent over 25 years helping people and teams improve relationships through clarity, empathy, and self-worth. This conversation offered both scientific insight and deeply practical advice that listeners could implement immediately.

Understanding Differences Without Judgment

One key theme of the interview was how our individual value systems and fears drive behavior. According to Giles, most conflict isn’t about the actual issue - it’s about differences in values and how those differences trigger fear. She illustrated this with a humorous, yet revealing, story about a couple nearly divorcing over a soggy kitchen sponge. The wife valued cleanliness and order; the husband valued connection. Each assumed the other was defying their priorities when, in fact, they were just wired differently.

Her takeaway: before reacting, recognize that different doesn’t mean wrong. Fear makes us feel threatened by differences, but understanding values can transform tension into empathy.

The Core Principle: Equal Human Worth

If there was one idea that resonated deeply throughout the episode, it was this: every person has the same intrinsic value.

Giles emphasized that worth is unchangeable - success, mistakes, beauty, or failure cannot add or subtract from it. She framed this idea as the foundation of her 12 Shapes system which classifies people into behavioral “shapes” based on fears and values instead of personality traits.

To illustrate, Giles recounted how even her children shout, “That didn’t change your value!” whenever someone drops a glass at home. The goal, she said, is to teach ourselves and our families to separate behavior from worth. Once we stop judging others as “better” or “less than,” we begin to love ourselves more freely too.

Moving from Fear to Love

The title KneeToKnee perfectly captures what Giles calls for in relationships: real connection free from fear and judgment.

She taught that before engaging in a hard conversation, we must first calm our defenses. If you enter a discussion justifying yourself or needing to prove you’re "right," love disappears from the exchange. But, if you remind yourself that both parties have equal worth and curiosity replaces judgment, healing begins.

Marrott connected this point to Stephen Covey’s principle, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Both Giles and Marrott agreed that genuine listening -listening to understand, not to win - is what turns fear-triggered moments into opportunities for growth.

Discovering Your “Shape” and Superpower

Marrott and Giles both identified themselves as “arrows,” one of the 12 Shapes characterized by independence, drive, and a deep fear of failure.

“We arrows,” Giles explained, “sometimes overvalue doing and undervalue connecting.”

Through laughter and honest reflection, they discussed how understanding your shape helps you see your strengths as well as your stress triggers.

Giles shared a moving story about a young girl with cerebral palsy who took the quiz and discovered she was a “heart.” For the first time, the girl saw her emotional depth not as weakness but as a superpower - empathy.

“We’re not broken,” Giles said. “We’re just wired differently, each bringing a unique kind of magic into the world.”

Applying the Lesson: Love Others to Love Yourself

To close, Giles offered a simple yet profound practice: stop judging.

Every time you feel tempted to criticize, notice the differences and remind yourself that it doesn’t change anyone’s value - including your own. Compassion toward others builds self-compassion. And, as we embrace others’ wiring, we begin to experience our own worth as steady, safe, and equal.

A Conversation Worth Sitting “KneeToKnee” For

In a world obsessed with comparison, Marrott and Giles delivered a gentle challenge: to approach people - spouses, coworkers, even ourselves -with curiosity instead of fear. Through awareness of our “shape,” understanding of our fears, and acceptance of our unchanging worth, we can create what Giles calls “a more tolerant and accepting world.”